Wednesday, September 29, 2010


In my last post I discussed how to create an online date profile. I hope my readership got enough from that lesson to at least get started on their own path toward a rewarding lifestyle of nervous anticipation, indignity, subjection to scrutiny, awkward socialization, horror when considering what your mother would think if she could see you now, and shame in the aftermath. I feared however that the last post might have been too negative, and with its litany of dont’s it failed to take into account that with every don’t comes a do.

That being said, for my second lesson, I will delve into the difficult task of of crafting successful correspondence with fellow online daters with a list of dos.

1. Do remember that this person doesn’t actually know you. Any sense of entitlement regarding the nature of their response, and whether you will get one at all is misguided.
2. Do employ the “wink” mechanism ubiquitous on dating websites. Especially if you’ve nothing interesting to say.
3. Do try to to take a humorous tone if the mood strikes. But not if the other person lists “saving the world” in the “what I’m doing with my life” category.
4. Do be aware of how many times you’ve attempted to contact a single person. You will look like a nut case if you follow up your unheeded communications with, well, anything.
5. Do use the chat mechanism to instant message people you are into if - you are a loser with few social skills, have a sexual addiction, or are an aggressive ass wipe.
6. Do make plans to meet up early and often. Attention spans are short and the shelf life of 21st century conversation is inversely proportional to the shelf life of 21st century food.

And now for a brief video on correspondence.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Don't you forget about me and my don'ts

Today I auditioned to be an SAT prep instructor with Kaplan. This involved presenting a five-minute how-to on a non-academic subject. While I chose a topic I could sound knowledgeable on - the principles of budget-making - drawing up a budget is not something I have ever actually done in the "real world."

Something I have done in the real world is create an online date profile. So in honor of the exercise, I'm going teach you my class, how to create an excellent online date profile employeeing a series of don'ts and breaking a profile down into 4 major categories.

Don't use your real name. There are some freaks out there.
Don't do anything akin to IWANTTOF*$KBITCHES, unless you're a gay man and being sarcastic.
Don't be shy of puns.They have a low fail rate on making the grade in the adorability index

Don't lie egregiously as you have only yourself to blame when your date is annoyed with you for making them take the train an hour to meet you and you were a non starter cause you are actually fat.
Don't tell the truth. No one else is.
Don't disclose your salary unless you are a gross douche bag.

Personal Essay:
Don't assume Internet people want to put up with you like your memoir writing workshop class does.
Don't fuck up grammar.
Don't tell me you are sarcastic. Show me.

Don't be holding babies with no context provided.
Don't be old.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dating under the influence of being broke

Dating while destitute is a complicated social maneuver. I've perused the Internet for "dating on a shoestring" ideas, but the articles tend to focus on activities for long time partners, and are not realistic for people engaged in a series of first dates. It would be hard for example to finesse the suggestion of sitting in the park by a hot dog vendor that takes food stamps. For one thing, first dates involve alcohol. They just do. (While I've discussed the merits of sober dating before, for me this is a periodic occurrence, and notable for its infrequency like Comets named Halley.) For another thing, it's not too prudent to go meeting Internet people in parks unless it is day time. And sunlight, with its awkwardness heightening properties, is not always a welcome friend on a first date. Lastly, (and Miss Manners has devoted entire chapters to this particular subject in her special hood edition) etiquette dictates that use of government assistance like Electronic Benefits Transfer for the purchase of food and drink on dates is to be avoided prior to date 3. One could try this though:

Poor lover impresses his woman on a dinner date, without breaking the bank.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Lonely Hearts Book Club Bandwagon

The following news piece from the WSJ, You're Reading that Too? Marry Me has just come across my desk. Apparently there is a new dating website, Alikewise, that matches members on the basis of literature preferences. While I commend the founders for keeping the service free (just like libraries!), I am skeptical of the merits of such a matching system. Don't get me wrong. I love books and shit. This much is evident to all I encounter by the precise manner in which I express my counter cultural aesthetic:

But not every asshole who enjoys blathering about why David Foster Wallace was correct in considering lobsters via extensive footnoting will enjoy one another's company. In fact, when confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming. And for the other kind of lover of literature, the shy kind, such a site is a dangerous opportunity for them to even further avoid interactions with other humans in public spaces like bookstores and libraries.

And now for a third kind of reader, the perfect kind:

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

SAT Analogy Prep

If fat people in real life look like average people in their profile pictures, then fat people in their profile pictures are...?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A fatty makes new friends

The work schedule that kept me busy on nights and weekends and my flirtation with dating a person from real life spared me the horrors of the creepy world of OkCupid for a spell. I find myself less bold now. To have strange encounters with a strange person I will see once seems to require a social muscle set that has atrophied. This is a good thing however. This muscles-of-a-human-male-graph illustrates the way this social muscle set became overdeveloped before the hiatus:

As you can see I am a bit disgusted by the excess. Disgusted or not however, nostalgia has me using the site to a degree. At first I was discouraged by the quality of the individuals contacting me, but over the past few days I've been extremely popular with a highly diverse group of nearsighted, Jewish intellectual New York natives in their mid-20s. But would they like me in real life? Like a friend at work who lied about his weight to an online pen pal, I am pictured 12 pounds lighter than I am today. The ever expanding Online Daterette herby declares September to be Anorexia Appreciation Month. All proceeds will be devoted to the Online Date Profile Accuracy Project.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hey you

My away pseudo boyfriend or whatever he is has been keeping in touch with me pretty regularly and I welcome all his calls, but he's apparently not reading my Online Date Club blog where I talk about how I am mad at him.

I have a forgiving spirit. Especially for people whom I like like.

How a lady looks when talking to men she like likes.

P.S. hey guy, if you have read this and you're just choosing to remain silent, that doesn't suprrise me and that's cool too.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A Very Happy Labor Day

I have three days left of census work before America is counted and I will be on permanent Labor Day. Celebrating in this manner is a rather frightening prospect in a city where a taco can run you $10 if you are not careful. So what will I do? I will file for unemployment benefits and for food stamps. I will still however be desirous of wining and dining in a manner that the government does not have the means to assist me with. This leaves me with one option. Going on dates. While I have found the modern man happy to go dutch at bill time, until I get a job, I will be scouring the OkCupid profiles for gentleman sporting monocles, slicked mustaches, and traveling by penny farthing.

Mmmhhhmmmm...steak dinner

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When Irony Is Cruel

In my last post, I mentioned that my current relationship exists only because of the long-distance factor of his real relationship. Ironically we are now apart too. This makes me think our relationship is not one anymore. Or at least at-risk. To emphasize these concerns, my paramour left NYC impromptu style. Already on the road, he informed via text message that he had peaced. Then dead Ann Landers turned in her grave. Then I had dinner with my ex-boyfriend. Not for any related reason, he was just in town.

So now what? Well, he was cheerful on the phone and said the departure is just for a bit until a job presents itself here. The job market is bad however. Also I'm kind of mad. Call me old-fashioned but I am into farewell ceremony. If I were a celebrity, the tabloids would have a hard-on for the parade of material I would be on the verge of giving them, for I am feeling very single and romantically carefree right now and I like to pose for photos.

I feel pretty bummed out, like one does when they realize they lost their favorite sweater because they got too drunk, and now they have to go to a store that has a lot of crap in it to find a new one. Hi OkCupid, I am back.