A's To Your Q's

As promised, I am providing you with the answers to your burning questions you've so patiently waited for.

Q: Had any luck with Match.Com?
A: If you call a one-night stand followed by a very awkward date to a douche baggy bar surrounded by hockey enthusiasts success, then yes, Match.com was a magical experience.

Q: How many times have you had a touchdown by meeting a person on these sites? Operation el spank-o?
A: What refreshing avoidance of baseball metaphor in the realm of human sexual experience. I don't really know much about American football, so I hope this makes sense. Two touchdowns, one first down that lead to a fumble.

Q: What is the best concert you have ever been to?
A: When I was a younger woman, Haitian hip hop hottie Wyclef Jean included me in his act by bringing me on stage in order to freestyle about the tightness of my pants.
Drinks before going to the show - $12. Concert tickets - $25. The thrill of wondering if you are going to lose your virginity to Wyclef on a tour bus - Not priceless exactly as I include this as part of the non-itemized $25 entry fee.

Q: If you could be a spokesperson for any online dating site, which one would you choose?
A: Funny you should ask, I am submitting some work to JDate as we speak to be their next big blogger! Keep your fingers crossed on my success in this endeavor. In other national spokesperson news, my comedic partner and I are applying to be the next Lady Liberties for Liberty Tax Service.

Q: I am dealing with a very sensitive issue. I'm recently engaged (let's call my fiancée "Rahim" for the sake of anonymity). With so many fish in the sea, as your most recent blog declares, how do I really know that "Rahim" is the one?
A: That is precisely my point m'dear. There is no "one." There are many ones. So long as he's one of those ones, and a cutie patootie to boot, you may as well get a tax break to honor it.

Q: What should I do if I want to be like you when I grow up?
A: Eat lots of oatmeal. It's good for your heart. Watch 1990s sitcoms revolving around the lives of sexually promiscuous 20 and 30-somethings residing in Manhattan. Take chill pills every day.

Q: What are your top fashion dos and don'ts for a first date?
A: Do, wear deodorant under at least one arm and clear your nostrils of debris. Don't wear any item of clothing you don't feel completely comfortable in. To be sexy, you must feel sexy.

Q: What did you think of PlentyOfFish.com's heavy-handed product placement in the new Lady Gaga & Beyonce video for Telephone?
A: I was only able to watch the first 3 minutes and 19 seconds of this 9-minute video before my ADD kicked in and am not familiar with said product placement. However I do support artists supporting online dating products.

That being said, I think I've answered all the questions our ADD-afflicted generation can handle. I invite baby boomers and medicated Generation X and Y-ers to keep reading.

Q: Where did you think you would be in ten years, when you were 16?
A: According to a 10th grade health class project that involved such predictions, I thought I would be married to the dreamboat boyfriend I met on my first Peace Corps tour and would be finishing up an environmental law degree at Berkeley that would later lead to a Nobel Peace Prize. I did not think I would be collecting unemployment checks and going on dates with guys from the Internet that vaguely resemble my 16-year old self.

Q: Do you have any sworn mortal enemies?
A: My mortal enemies are probably aware of their status and do not need reminding on such a well-read blog.