Chaperone is French for no one is getting laid tonight

My friend asked me to join him and a new OkCupid lady friend last night for a drink. He left us alone to go to the rest room about a minute after she and I shook hands, so for lack of anything else to say, I was compelled to let her know that 1) I am aware they met on the Internet, and 2) I am cool with that.

He expressed in advance a solid interest in the girl so it was great that things only got thoroughly awkward twice. Once during his impassioned defense of Hitler’s intellectual capacity, and once during her sincere expression of disappointment on finding out that his profile’s most romantic claims (i.e. interest in cloud gazing) are examples of a comedic device known as sarcasm.

Two thoroughly awkward moments in one hour is an excellent track record and it is my understanding that they are hanging out right now.

Living for this shit

I am having an online date blogger’s wet dream right now. There is an online date in progress taking place two tables away from me in a Washington, DC coffee shop quiet enough that I can track the progress of this date.

I hope that the woman’s recent hip surgery and use of cane does not prevent them from having sexual relations in the very near future. Their body language at first made me skeptical that such a thing could happen for these two. She began the date with a conversationally dominant focus on her hip replacement surgery, her subsequent physical therapy and her pilates class. The poor guy had trouble contributing to the airwaves and I felt his disinterest in his crossed arms. Only brief mention was made of his career in the secret service. I guess she is taking the secret portion to heart.

In the last 10 minutes they’ve been laughing their heads off on this Monday afternoon, and even though she is back on the topic of her cortisone shots, he now has his chin in his hands and is gazing into her eyes.

Did she just say “hip-a-thon”?

To answer your most obvious query, yes they are middle aged as they are not discussing what can go right with coolness, but rather what can go wrong with the laterally projecting prominence of the pelvis or pelvic region from the waist to the thigh.

I feel bad for them that they are about to unknowingly hit the big time on the Online Dater’s Club, reaching a readership that has recently skyrocketed into daily double digits, but given their advanced age, they may only vaguely know what a blog is.

Since we are benefiting from their existence, lets all hold a silent god or god-free prayer (whatever floats your boat) that these two shall find love right in front of them with the Internet to thank.

More of a Princeton girl myself

A new dating service, DateHarvard_SQ matches Harvard men with "discerning" paying female customers. Apparently founders Beri Meric and Philipp Triebel believe there are enough Harvard fetishists the world over who will pay $20 monthly to avoid use search engines on those "more cumbersome dating sites." They are right. It can be very tiring to do all that work yourself. All that typing of the word "Harvard" into a search field, all that hitting enter. No wonder those other sites are free.

If the planet Earth is still a reasonable place to inhabit, the best these entrepreneurs should hope for is a Mark Zuckerberg to come steal their shitty idea and turn it into a not shitty one, so that in ten years time Hollywood will dramatize the injustice using visually palatable actors.

Do

In my last post I discussed how to create an online date profile. I hope my readership got enough from that lesson to at least get started on their own path toward a rewarding lifestyle of nervous anticipation, indignity, subjection to scrutiny, awkward socialization, horror when considering what your mother would think if she could see you now, and shame in the aftermath. I feared however that the last post might have been too negative, and with its litany of dont’s it failed to take into account that with every don’t comes a do.

That being said, for my second lesson, I will delve into the difficult task of of crafting successful correspondence with fellow online daters with a list of dos.

1. Do remember that this person doesn’t actually know you. Any sense of entitlement regarding the nature of their response, and whether you will get one at all is misguided.
2. Do employ the “wink” mechanism ubiquitous on dating websites. Especially if you’ve nothing interesting to say.
3. Do try to to take a humorous tone if the mood strikes. But not if the other person lists “saving the world” in the “what I’m doing with my life” category.
4. Do be aware of how many times you’ve attempted to contact a single person. You will look like a nut case if you follow up your unheeded communications with, well, anything.
5. Do use the chat mechanism to instant message people you are into if - you are a loser with few social skills, have a sexual addiction, or are an aggressive ass wipe.
6. Do make plans to meet up early and often. Attention spans are short and the shelf life of 21st century conversation is inversely proportional to the shelf life of 21st century food.

And now for a brief video on correspondence.

Don't you forget about me and my don'ts

Today I auditioned to be an SAT prep instructor with Kaplan. This involved presenting a five-minute how-to on a non-academic subject. While I chose a topic I could sound knowledgeable on - the principles of budget-making - drawing up a budget is not something I have ever actually done in the "real world."

Something I have done in the real world is create an online date profile. So in honor of the exercise, I'm going teach you my class, how to create an excellent online date profile employeeing a series of don'ts and breaking a profile down into 4 major categories.

Username:
Don't use your real name. There are some freaks out there.
Don't do anything akin to IWANTTOF*$KBITCHES, unless you're a gay man and being sarcastic.
Don't be shy of puns.They have a low fail rate on making the grade in the adorability index

Stats:
Don't lie egregiously as you have only yourself to blame when your date is annoyed with you for making them take the train an hour to meet you and you were a non starter cause you are actually fat.
Don't tell the truth. No one else is.
Don't disclose your salary unless you are a gross douche bag.

Personal Essay:
Don't assume Internet people want to put up with you like your memoir writing workshop class does.
Don't fuck up grammar.
Don't tell me you are sarcastic. Show me.

Photos:
Don't be holding babies with no context provided.
Don't be old.

Dating under the influence of being broke

Dating while destitute is a complicated social maneuver. I've perused the Internet for "dating on a shoestring" ideas, but the articles tend to focus on activities for long time partners, and are not realistic for people engaged in a series of first dates. It would be hard for example to finesse the suggestion of sitting in the park by a hot dog vendor that takes food stamps. For one thing, first dates involve alcohol. They just do. (While I've discussed the merits of sober dating before, for me this is a periodic occurrence, and notable for its infrequency like Comets named Halley.) For another thing, it's not too prudent to go meeting Internet people in parks unless it is day time. And sunlight, with its awkwardness heightening properties, is not always a welcome friend on a first date. Lastly, (and Miss Manners has devoted entire chapters to this particular subject in her special hood edition) etiquette dictates that use of government assistance like Electronic Benefits Transfer for the purchase of food and drink on dates is to be avoided prior to date 3. One could try this though:

Poor lover impresses his woman on a dinner date, without breaking the bank.

Lonely Hearts Book Club Bandwagon

The following news piece from the WSJ, You're Reading that Too? Marry Me has just come across my desk. Apparently there is a new dating website, Alikewise, that matches members on the basis of literature preferences. While I commend the founders for keeping the service free (just like libraries!), I am skeptical of the merits of such a matching system. Don't get me wrong. I love books and shit. This much is evident to all I encounter by the precise manner in which I express my counter cultural aesthetic:

But not every asshole who enjoys blathering about why David Foster Wallace was correct in considering lobsters via extensive footnoting will enjoy one another's company. In fact, when confronted with their true selves, most men run away screaming. And for the other kind of lover of literature, the shy kind, such a site is a dangerous opportunity for them to even further avoid interactions with other humans in public spaces like bookstores and libraries.

And now for a third kind of reader, the perfect kind: