Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My name is Online Daterette and I am an online dating-aholic

I wouldn't have noticed more than a casual affection for online dating if I wasn't experiencing acute withdrawal symptoms. These days my work hours limit me to an online date once every week or two.

Lung enthusiasts will be happy to note that I am not curing the shakes with $10 packs of taxed to the max cigarettes alone. Instead I have found my true passion being replaced with a slew of casual romantic encounters with fellow census workers. Alas, there is no substitute for a wink in one's inbox or an awkward handshake on a specified street corner.

Let's get this country counted fast so I can proceed with my normal operations ASAP!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Nice to meet you

Sometimes when I am going about my business and pleasure around town I believe I am spotting Internet dates in progress. Internet dating is for me something of a hobby and I want to cast the couple a knowing glance. If it appears to be going poorly I empathize, and if it appears to be going well, I silently applaud them for finding each other and hope their success stems from a mutual disinterest in being interesting.

Internet dates follow one of several body language formulas. I have had a lot of firsthand practice at this sport and can recognize the gamut of these scenarios from across a medium-sized room. While I can't share all the secrets right here, I will say that for practitioners and bystanders alike, spotting this type of social interaction has a long and storied history that began with the traditional blind date. From the comfort of one's couch, it is possible to hone blind date-spotting skills with a proper regimen of related television programming. I trained of course on the stupendous and one and only "Blind Date", hosted by the inimitable Roger Lodge and produced by NBC. Please note that in real life, blind daters will not have bubbles surrounding their heads filled with snarky commentary about the proceedings. This is merely a Hollywood trick.

And for all my readers in 2nd grade and below, I want to dispel an important myth. A blind date does not mean that the people on the date are blind.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I can't handle the truth

I have an online dating conundrum. I have outgrown the weight I claim to be in my profile. Dishonest proclamations by Internet people is an issue I've treated on here as a reprehensible, and sadly expected practice. It pains me to know that I am now no better than those dreamboats who turned out to be losers in real life. I was hoping to quickly ease my way back into honesty, but the pizza and deli sandwiches in this city have proven very delicious. I worry that editing my profile to reflect the ramifications of love for these bread and cheese concoctions is akin to throwing out the skinny clothing I long to wear along these hip streets. I won't do it. But I will study the lessons from this guy who can apparently exist in NYC and not get fat:

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

My what regular sized pupils you have!

My new work schedule has made evening dating a near impossibility. I don't know why this has taken me so many months to figure out, but meeting for lunch before work is an amazing thing. I recommend it to everyone who works from 3:30-midnight five nights a week. Yesterday I had lunch with an Internet pen pal two hours before I had to be at work. The forced deadline for a date's termination provides a comfortable and non-awkward exit strategy for a skittish dater. The experience was also notable in that not one drop of alcohol was consumed by either my date or myself. In fact we went so far as to conclude the date by mildly caffeinating ourselves. Confronted by the obvious benefits of avoiding a profound reduction of inhibitions when hanging out romantically with someone new, I learned I don't need liquor to have a good time with strangers from the Internet. As for the daylight: the better to see you with my dear.