Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Don't you forget about me and my don'ts

Today I auditioned to be an SAT prep instructor with Kaplan. This involved presenting a five-minute how-to on a non-academic subject. While I chose a topic I could sound knowledgeable on - the principles of budget-making - drawing up a budget is not something I have ever actually done in the "real world."

Something I have done in the real world is create an online date profile. So in honor of the exercise, I'm going teach you my class, how to create an excellent online date profile employeeing a series of don'ts and breaking a profile down into 4 major categories.

Don't use your real name. There are some freaks out there.
Don't do anything akin to IWANTTOF*$KBITCHES, unless you're a gay man and being sarcastic.
Don't be shy of puns.They have a low fail rate on making the grade in the adorability index

Don't lie egregiously as you have only yourself to blame when your date is annoyed with you for making them take the train an hour to meet you and you were a non starter cause you are actually fat.
Don't tell the truth. No one else is.
Don't disclose your salary unless you are a gross douche bag.

Personal Essay:
Don't assume Internet people want to put up with you like your memoir writing workshop class does.
Don't fuck up grammar.
Don't tell me you are sarcastic. Show me.

Don't be holding babies with no context provided.
Don't be old.

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